Those Feelings (Essay)

PTSD Symptoms

Future Faking


I'm drowning in them.



So it is, today.  I'm depressed.  I feel afraid.  I know the ex-NPD's close 
relative is in the hospital.  I know that the ex wants more money from me.  I know
that he spends scads of money trying to secure narcissistic supply and to show
off to others.

My mother, having listened to his prior accusations, threw one at me the other 
day that took me from feeling strong and capable to feeling unwanted, rejected, 
and as if I can never please anyone.  Just like that I started feeling like I 
wanted to die all over again.  That night I dreamt he was standing there staring
at me with his blank blue eyes.

Last night, a dear friend sent me an article about hoovering, which is the
attempt an NPD will make to get you back when he/she is running low on supply 
after discarding you.  The thought of seeing, smelling, or hearing this man 
terrifies me.  My friend is sensing something and I know it.  She knows he is
working on a plan.

Grief emanates from me and I know it.  I reek of it.  I'm drowning in it.
It's the man who appeared early and disappeared, the one who was essentially 
a character he acted to align himself with me, who I miss.  It's the one who
would make brief appearances now and again after our marriage, keeping me confused
about who he really was as opposed to the thin veneer he presented.

Veneer, facade, window-dressing.

I miss the man he caused me to invent by playing a character, a character he 
designed after listening to me about what I always wanted.  He future-faked,sayinghe wanted this kind of house and that kind of life, too, just so he could get in 
with me. It was me who was left to carry this thing, to pay the bills, to be both husband and wife in the marriage, to fix his messes, always knowing that whatever I did was going to be wrong.

I asked my therapist:  "Why would I want him back?  What does he think he would
have to offer me?"

"That's not it," said my therapist, "It's that you are his possession."